Football is upon us... And so is the smack talk

Email Thread of smacktalk before the season begins which came through my inbox today... It meanders, there is some solid smack, some weak smack, some themes and in general like the crunch of leaves in the Northeast under foot a sign football is upon us. So I posted it here. mmm beer. mmm football.

"Sent: Tuesday, December 26, 2006 12:05:55 PM

Hopefully everyone in New Orleans now realizes that Eli is not a good QB. I've held off for a long time as the bandwagon has fallen off but I can't defend his awful play anymore."

Merry Christmas, I stumbled upon that email in the vault though it was a good way to kick off the new season in honor of the reigning SuperBowl champions and their fans. The weather isn't pretty in December. I guess there is a reason they are called fairweather fans.

My pick: The Over of 41. Tonight. Involving the gnats and foreskins.

Sent: Thursday, September 4, 2008 11:13:55 AM

Juicy, very juicy. I like that your "sleeper" emails have been saved for almost 2 years, conveniently ignoring that when I wrote that email, I had stuck it out through some of the worst football played in years, only losing faith briefly for the last game of the year. Last year, however, Manning learned from that year and while he wasn't by any means a top 5 QB, he learned how to avoid mistakes that had previously crippled the team. Not coincidentally, this somehow came about when team cancer Jeremy Shockey went down with a year-ending injury and stopped complaining after each and every play. I fully expect him to have a redemptive year in NO this year as he will be playing with motivation for the first time since he was a rookie, which I might point out, was also his best year. Since then, he has had declining statistics each season and is coming off of a broken leg. Getting 2nd and 5th picks for him with no other offers was a great job by Jerry Reese.

However, I must admire the faith the Cowgirls fans have in their own non-Super-Bowl-winning QB after each of the last two years and his immense, absolutely brutal playoff meltdowns. I have not seen non-clutch performances like that since Nick Anderson bricked 4 straight FTs for the Orlando Magic. First, there was the "hold" choke, where his butterfingers cost Dallas the game. Then, there was the final play of the Cowboys offensive season last year where he threw an interception in the end zone. Yes, you've got a good team, but this is the guy who is going to lead you to the title? Win a playoff game before you act like the champs on HBO.

I haven't even gotten to the part about Pacman Jones, Tank Johnson and the rest. I'm surprised that JJ hasn't sprung Rae Carruth yet. The Dallas police department must be on Jerry Jones' payroll for a big chunk of cash this year. I hope Dallas plays Cincy this year, they might as well call out the marshals to serve all the papers to those teams.

So what you are saying is we are not fairweather fans because we haven't given up on our All-pro SuperBowl potential quarterback after setbacks in December? (Thank you?). We cowboys fans learn that kind of loyalty before our first birthday party at a McDonalds. I grew out of MickeyDs, but never the Cowboys. However, fitting I bring that up, because the G-men are a Ronald McDonald organization.

Why is it the cowboys best players can't get pushed out of the town, even when the writing is on the wall, and by comparison the G-men's best players can't retire or get out of town quick enough? Take Michael Strahan, that leather fetishist gap toothed Grimace, and his partner Mayor McCheese Tiki Barber, and you got an Unhappy Meal of discontent retiring in their prime. Tom Coughlin, the Hamburglar himself, looks like he only cracks a smile when he spreads honey mustard on his grundel and lets the McNugget Buddies Oshi and Plaxico lap it off. That's what you get with the Gmen, drive thru service every 8 years, a post superbowl/Big Mac stomach hangover plus the sharts that go with it, and a goofy clown lining up under center calling the shots.

Ummm.... Somebody must have spilled the orange drink, because you just got... juiced.

By the way if Strahan asks if you want a Hot Fudge Sunday, just say no.

Sent: Thursday, September 4, 2008 1:23:16 PM
Subject: Re: STONE COLD, LEAD PIPER oh hamburgers...

Credit for the last line, you actually made me laugh with that one.

Kind of like how the entire Cowgirl franchise makes me laugh. You are seriously going full on at two Hall of Famers because they both chose to retire before they were seriously injured and when they had lucrative television careers lined up? (Side note: someone should have told Tom Landry about this plan. And headsets.) One of whom just won a Super Bowl and helped take down arguably the greatest team never to win it all? Going out on top after a great 15 year career is now to be derided? Really? That's your comeback?

And your spin of my email would make Rafael Nadal proud. I didn't say that you should give up on your QB, I just said that until he wins something significant, like maybe a game that involves another playoff team, and stops choking like Mama Cass when things get important, that maybe he and the rest of the inmates might want to tone down the whole "We were the real champs" act. While it's nice that Wade Phillips can pad his regular season record, face it, when the playoff game came down to crunch time, he and Romo both were ready to hook up a catheter so they wouldn't get their pants wet. And this one year after he couldn't hold onto a snap for the GW kick in another playoff game. That's more than coincidence, it is a trend.

I can't wait for mid-October when T.O. holds another press conference in his driveway doing reps on the bench press and crying about how much he thinks everyone is being so, so mean and unfair to Romo, the big bullies.

There's a new show on the NFL Network that is a complement to Hard Knocks that documents everything you need to know about Dallas. You should check out. It's called "Crossfire" and it stars Pacman and Tank. It's sure to be a "hit".

Yes, it is to be derided when you are so scared you'd rather lay down like Brett Farve gifting somebody a record than to play football one more year. Of course it is to be derided and the juicing has only begun. In fact, I'm gonna punch them right in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker. They are fairweather players for fairweather fans. They should play in San Diego (***Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diago, which of course in German means a whale's vagina..)

Every year those two guys had to be pulled out of retirement. Tiki Barber-soll, Mayor McCheese, or the ugly twin... whatever you want to calll him, should have known he couldn't cut it in TV. Sweet Lincoln's mullet, did anybody watch him on the Olympics? He has a face for radio... to complement the personality of a dirty diaper. You watch him and you immediately feel sleazier like you took a late night bath in a septic tank with Ro-ro the groper. You also feel dumber by just listening to him as he stumbles over lines like he did the painted one yard line always shy of the endzone. That guy makes W look erudite. One time during the olympics I saw Rulon Gardner put him over his shoulder and I prayed he would eat him to put us all out of our misery.

If the Today show wasn't a place for equally vapid personalities I'd be surprised he still has a job. Granted I don't have much to do with daylight a.m. hours but I imagine he's filled Bryant Gumball's shoes and original RONALD MCDONALD Williard Scott's bigger shoes pretty well. Who's on there now? Chiahead Matt Laurer? That guy makes cardboard look witty. Who else? Brian Fantanna? Veronica Corningstone? Brick Tamland?

As for that leather-fetishist-gap-toothed Grimace Michael Strahan that guy is a stain on humanity and a blight to the nearest swingers party. He'll turn a game of car-key mix-up into a debacle as bad as a dodgeball game at fat camp. He's a lazy professional. He was gifted a record and was proud of it. He probably steals children's milk-shakes for fun and unlike another overrated New York icon Namath he wears his panty hose for free. (Namath had one shining moment--far more Trent Dilfer than Joe Montana). Now there's nothing wrong with being gay, like Strahan's wife admitted he was, but just come out of the closet already and bring the Barbers with you. From "Inside the Helmet: Life as a (Hot Fudge) Sunday Afternoon Warrior," said Strahan came in for a fair amount of ribbing about the gay rumors, at one point getting this text message along with a photo from Tampa Bay defensive back Ronde Barber: "I don't believe your denials. Meet me behind the 12th tee box. Love, Ronde."

Yeah. True. Can't make that up. He's also evil like Shaquille O'Neal but everybody is a sucker for lazy eyes and big smiles, I guess.

Newsflash, an accuweather update, for our fairweather man: real men play until they can't play anymore AND then get the lucrative television career: moose johnson, troy aikman, emmet smith, michael irvin, darren woodson, etc. etc. etc. At least when those guys figured out they were more capable at trying to eat the microphone then talking into it they had already accomplished everything they could on the football field. They didn't half finish a career only to suck at a new one. Robert Smith, Tiki Barber, Barry Sanders and in some ways Jim Brown... puasssies. It's fitting they don't have super bowl rings because they weren't willing to pay the price for it. God bless Sweetness, Emmet Smith, and even that tough little s.o.b. giant running back under parcells that was as old as dirt, they earned those rings.

It's a joke Jack O'Lantern face Strahan got a ring. An absolute joke. One day when my future child says life is not fair, I'll pull out an old sports illustrated point to Strahan at the Superbowl and say "No frakin shite... and jazz flute is for little fairy boys."

---Stay classy San Diego. I'm Ron Burgundy?





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