Snippets of Conversation on and off the Poker Table part three

Finally, I get to a poker story, at the tail end of this post. One of the few chances this holiday season I had to play poker.

If everybody is taking pictures next to a jellyfish, like rabid paparazzi stumbling on to the cast of Twilight licking Tiger Woods earlobes while also digging up the corpse of Michael Jackson, I'm simply walking through. Yeah, sorry. And what the f is up with this red-eye reducers that ship about twenty flashes into your retina before you take the picture. At some point, some poor kid is going to go into a fit of seizures at the entrance of the aquarium just from all the flashes bouncing around the place.

Okay, that’s my take from the aquarium. Not really a snippet of a conversation at all, unless you want to count my son demanding “more” face time with a shark as a conversation. Here’s some “more” snippets of a fake conversation. Here’s some texts traded during the Monday Night Saints game. Somebody, maybe me, maybe not, but definitely somebody, apparently didn’t like Ron Jaworski.

“Jon Gruden is a superior announcer. Jaws a good movie, a bad qb, and is a worse broadcaster. Dude has a face for radio and a voice for mute buttons. He always looks like he just swallowed something salty and he LIKES it. Football’s Freddie Mercury. Polish people make jokes about him and his name ends in Ski. He has the charisma of a cabbage patch doll and the comic timing of Andrew Dice Clay in a Muslim temple on Ramadan. He’s as likely to say something intelligent and useful as a whale mating with a chihuahua, sure we’d like to see it happen, but it never will.”

“Really, I think Gruden is superb as an announcer. He also has that sparkle in his eye that makes me soil my boxers even when I’ve eaten my Wheaties.” -Yes, nonsense there. As though Wheaties are a preventative from soiling your boxers, or sparkles in eyes can initiate immediate self-pissing.

The conversation shifted back to Jaworski:

“Jaws said the field was one flag short of an amusement park. I am sure he heard that chestnut suckling on the tender, tear-inducing teet of Dick Vermeil 50 years ago…” If a sparkle in an eye can make you piss yourself than certainly Dick Vermeil’s lactation's can make you cry. “Just listening to Jaws you can tell the things he’d like to do to Matt Ryan are even frowned upon in Thailand.”

“Jaws watches taped on how to get out of his driveway, gameplans his poops, and he gets the chalkboard out any time he and manservant Pepe play “Jose, Hose B, hey whose hose dis be?”

“I don’t want to just rag on the guy. To be positive, he makes Joe Theisman instantly no longer the stupidest quarterback in the room any time they are in the same place at the same time… No other man can say that.”

I also was at a poker table and this dbag kept going on and on about how he went to Duke instead of simply playing Holdem poker. Wicked Chops always makes fun of Vanessa Ruosso by mentioning she went to Duke, over and over again. Was this guy just one of thousands of Duke grads that seeks affirmation by mentioning the school he got his degree from? He was like a parrot. Over and over, somehow him going to Duke was worked into everything he said. "I had Ace Jack there, I had that hand when I was a sophomore at Duke too."

Finally, like an attention starved puppy I figured I’d engage him. I was going to dance around the fact he went to Duke without ever acknowledging it as being relevant or some sort of accomplishment. It certainly it isn’t as grand an accomplishment as he thought it was. He’s in his 30s and he’s still railing about where he went to undergrad. Hopefully, he’s done something noteworthy in the meantime.


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