Thursday, June 18, 2009

Rant and Randomness

Just tidying up here, this is an old post but I'm organizing the blog a bit, or at least starting too. So I separated it from the poker portion of a previous post. Will probably create a rants category, and maybe my top posts. We'll see.

...And now for something completely different, my wife looks like she is ready to explode with our baby. I'm so tired of the same conversations that we inevitably have with every person behind a counter. It's not the obligatory niceties like "When are you due?" "Is it a boy or girl" all that I can handle.

It's two aspects that are tiresome the first question is "Are you ready?" Which is totally a trap question, you say a tentaive "Yes, we hope so" as a prospective first time parent, and you've stepped into a spring loaded trap that has chunks of bear hair in it. The parents of young children will smile like Michael Jordan would if I challenged him to a game of one on one basketball and say "Oh, no you are not, you have no idea... you think you are ready, but you have no idea."

Well, since everybody has said that, in truth, I'm ready to expect sleepless nights, some misery, and the unexpected... meaning I know we'll be overwhelmed. That doesn't satisfy. "You think you know, but you have no idea." It's not like we are going to get waterboarded, which I imagine feels a little bit like drowing, so even torture I have idea about, we suddenly have another roommate we can't kick out, that doesn't pay rent, doesn't clean up after himself, needs diapers, and will destroy everything. Yeah, I get that. We'll also experience un-imagined and unknown happiness, my worldview will change, it'll be a bit like the first time I heard Nirvanna and the day Kurt Cobain died wrapped up in one (totally joking).

So now when I reach that question, I simply answer "No, we aren't ready." Course, that doesn't work out so well. We get the same smile and another almost as bad retort "Well, you better get ready." It's a catch 22, or just like any discussion I have with my wife when her hormones go to 11. Sometimes there is no right answer.

Next thing I tire of, because I'm an grumpy old man even though I'm not even halfway through my 30s is, is everybody says "What did you want," and there is this caveat you have to say before you can answer the question. It's similar to the bit Jerry Seinfeld created when he'd reference gays and then said "not that there's anything wrong with that." You mention gays and don't say it, people look at you like you are a homophobe.

In relations to babies you are supposed to say "well, we want a healthy baby first". It goes further because social convention follows the person nods knowingly and then says "of course, but it being healthy and all, did you have a preference?"

Can we just eliminate this whole portion of conversation. Everybody wants a healthy baby. And nobody's going to throw an infant out, well I'm not, if it's not the right type of sex. So it's pointless. However, I've learned if you don't go through this insipidness, and just say "I wanted a boy she wanted a girl." You'll get a disaproving look and the questioner will say, "Of course you want A HEALTHY BABY FIRST RIGHT?" Look, that's implied. Don't give me a sanctimonious tone.

For a while, after seinfeld, nobody could mention gays without saying "Not that there is anything wrong with that." Even long after that line stopped being funny, it was a like "Look I'm not a hater." So, I was always tempted to say, just to make fun of the tired line, "Not that there is anything right about that." I didn't because people would start thinking I wasn't joking even if I was just tired of feeling obligated to announce I don't bash them as a pasttime. For the record I like gays. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

Anyway, I now have this evil voice in that back of my head that wants to say something similar in answer to the baby question, because I like to shock people and the opposite is such a needless piece of rethoric. However, that clearly would not be funny. I feel for everybody that's had a baby with health issues, and I know a few friends dealing with it, and I pray for them and I pray our baby doesn't have any issues.

Besides, if I said something sarcastic at that point of the conversation, I think my wife would punch my kidneys out through the smallest orifice on my body if I did. Still, it's so asinine, somebody asks you where'd you rather go on vacation you don't say "Well, I just hope my plane lands safely." It's implied.

No, I'm dick enough without saying it. I already get in enough trouble when I say, "I'd be excited if we knew who the father is." Course I said that to a lady in a shoe store once who tut-tutted us with grandmotherly understanding and said, "My daughter went through that." Other variations, "I just hope he's not Samoan" or "we are very excited... you know the conception was of the immaculate variety... at least that's what my wife says" and stroke my wife's hair, smiling.

My wife is a good sport, though she's had to reel me in when I get a little out of ine using her pregnancy as comedy (even if I'm the audience) cause we'll walk in the drug store, and she looks like she has a medicine ball sticking out of her and I'll (JOKINGLY) say loud enough for everybody to hear, "You want me to get you a fifth of vodka and two cartons of your cigarettes? Right". Apparently, as she's told me, people have called human services for less, so I'm toning down that brand of humor. I've also stopped saying, "Let's get you a girdle," "Next time you do your pushups you are going to have to go all the way down" but I haven't stop saying stone faced "what do you mean when she's due? She's not pregnant."

Other randomness...

Terminator: Salvation is a prety decent movie. Not sure why it hasn't done better at the box office. About to watch the Hangover, which may be so overhyped with expectations I may enjoy it less. That happened with Something About Mary, everybody told me it was hilarious and then I saw most of the funniest bits in commercials or reviews I was let down.

UPDATE: The Hangover was funny. Not quite Old School funny but funny. On first viewing I tried to catch as many of the jokes that seem to hit you on repeated veiwings of these types of films. The bit where the guy is carrying the baby talking about Steve Gutenberg and Ted Dansen in the background was funny. Could tell only half the audience caught it.

There were many other sublte instances of humor at play two. Course the obvious was so funny you almost didn't have time to digest everything put before you. That's the making of a great comedy. You can digest it a few times and catch different beats. We'll see if it has the staying power of Old School.

Been playing a lot of online poker and have been impressed with, or maybe I should say envious of, the new interface over at bwin. The rest of the world that gets to play poker online with that slick bit of computer engineering are fortunate. Lots of upgrades to play online poker in their package.

www.gulfcoastpoker.net


No comments: