25 Interesting Things about me

I don't play well with others so instead of posting this on Facebook I am putting it here. After I'm done I'll "tag" others to put their lists up. You can do it anywhere that I can read it.

1. I have a fetish. Two words: bingo wings. My wife unfortunately has none. Seeing a documentry about Indian guys that hang weights from their... you know whats I asked if I could clip barbells to the flesh under her upper arms. Because she declined I've been force feeding her donuts and pulling at her triceps when she's been sleeping.
2. I want to fondly recall a memory of my first pet so anybody can hack all my accounts by answering the security question correctly. I'll do so now Boss Hogg Tweetledick was an awesome parrot who would only mimic the whining of my cat. In case anybody is curious my social security number is 227-69-0210. And I'll randomly mention that when chosing passwords I use anniversarys with underscores between the numbers. My favorite anniversary is the Bicentenial.
3. I haven't been worried about bird flu since a robin shitted on my head. I haven't cared for Batman since then either.
4. Unlike most people, my first friend was not an imaginary one, he is still my oldest and dearest confidant, my most loyal and most inspiring pal, and we should remember he can't help being spoft-spoken and mostly invisible.
5. I think every leap year we should have a leap week, where we add an extra day to accommodate it, like after sunday we have leapday, but unlike normal days of the week I don't want it to end in Day, so we could have to call it leapzay or something. But I'd make people go to work Leapzay through Friday, so people wouldn't be so happy about a leapyear and cheating the calender.
6. I sometimes think that blackholes compact all that stardust and matter to create souls and they spit them into our babies when they are born. I haven't worked out the physics of it yet but I think it involves gravity.
7. I have had a near death experience. Actually multiple times. Now I try to avoid funeral homes.
8. I'm well read but don't read well. It's a burden. For example if we ride an elevator and it's an Otis I've read the manual, but if you asked me to push a floor button I'll probably tap your bellybutton even though the manual has instructed me the floor buttons are always to the right of the door.
9. I have a hard time completing things.
10. I have a fear that when I die I won't be wearing my lucky dirty underwear and that's why I died. I'll probably get hit by a VW bus with a Fuckingroovin sticker on it driven by TV's Miley Cyrus. That would be unlucky, especially if I could hear her singing along to her own music.
11. The only compulsion I have is to do nothing.
12. I think people that overbet middle pairs are pussies and sometimes I make poker references at inappropriate times like at my compulsive gambler meetings.
13. When I see a shooting star I always use my wish to see another one so I'll always have another wish. I'm good at beating the system, but I'm getting tired of looking at shooting stars.
14. It gives me a weird visceral pleasure to see people suffer from schaudefraud.
15. If they did an infomercial for me, Vince from Shamwow would get the honor, not Billy Mays, not Chuck "Two Months?" Norris, not Ron Popeil, but Vince. I like to think I would be absorbent too.
16. I never have bad intentions when I'm being greedy or selfish.
17. I was born with a third testicle, Trois, he's fluent in french, in fact, if he could talk he could prove it.
18. I'm an overachiever, but I set low standards.
19. I would trade my pinkies for extra thumbs.
20. Nothing is more overated than a surprise party, because only one person is surprised. That's why I crashed a party one 5th of May and said "Surprise!" and hung up a banner with my face on it and the words Bill's Surprise Party. The kids parents asked me to leave and I've been banned from the rollerrink ever since... but it was a surprise party we'll all remember. I still have Salma's Pinata.
21. Left to my own devices, I'd be surfing the internet in my car talking on my cell phone and listening to my ipod.
22. I think James Bond movies are just clips from an English reality show, but I don't know why spies would let those cameras follow them everywhere, so I suspect it might be scripted like the Kardashians.
23. At night right before I go to sleep I wonder why hippies don't have potbellies.
24. My favorite movies are formulaic and unoriginal or are made by Tyler Perry.



Poker Monkey said…
WOW BILL! I did NOT know you had all that in you! Now that was some funny funny SHIT! I honestly dont think I can top all that! Thanks, also for the shout out to me and Squirrel. We are doing fine. Spent the last two nights together trying to cap that bad beat jackpot at Pile of Debris.


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